Bieber Fever Leads to Bok Choy Recall

On Friday the FDA announced a nationwide recall of packaged baby bok choy with “best-used by dates” up to February 25, 2011 citing possible contamination of Bieber Fever.

Reports of at least a dozen occurrences at stemming from supermarket chains, Wegmans, Stop & Shop, and Piggly Wiggly prompted the U.S. Center for Disease Control to issue an emergency epidemic warning. A spokesperson for the CDC claims the outbreak is “Under control mostly due to the fact that nobody eats Bok Choy.”

Named for teenage beefcake Justin Bieber, the highly contagious sickness commonly affects children and teenagers; however adults, the elderly, and anyone with ears may be at risk. Symptoms include severe headache, bloody diarrhea, and your heart melts when you see his smile.

At this time Bieber Fever is without a cure and consumers with suspected symptoms should immediately seek medical attention, also they’re probably gay.

Puppy Bowl Celebrations Marred By Assault Allegations

Puppy Bowl starter Charlie is being accused of sexual misconduct, with police investigating him Monday for an alleged assault at a New York City nightclub.

The NYPD is examining the claim of a 22-year old student who told an officer that the 14-week old Yorkshire Terrier mix sexually assaulted her.

While celebrating another successful Puppy Bowl Charlie and teammates reportedly attended an after party at a trendy Meatpacking District nightclub where they were seen mingling with a group of young women that included the alleged victim. 

An NYPD spokesman said the woman and her party contacted a nearby police officer following the assault. “He’s been identified as being at the scene and there are allegations naming him as the perpetrator.” The nature of the assault was not described officially but there are implications of leg-humping.

Representatives at Animal Planet proclaim Charlie “Prefers the bed head look” and refused to comment otherwise.  It is unknown if these allegations will affect the puppy’s upcoming adoption proceedings.

Reports of Buffalo Wing Shortage Spur Mass Hysteria

On Saturday an Allentown, PA grocery store ran out of chicken wings leaving customers looking for alternatives to the traditional Super Bowl Sunday appetizers. Word of the predicament spread across the region and amplified leaving many to believe the shortage was nationwide. Some communities experienced riots, looting, & violent outbursts amongst enraged crowds. According to the Erie News Journal mass suicides inundated Western Pennsylvania with many football fans leaping to their deaths. New York State governor, Andrew Cuomo, took preemptive measures using the Emergency Broadcast System to ensure citizens not to worry; the wing shortage was an isolated incident.  At this time the status of the supply of Frank’s Red Hot & Bleu Cheese dressing remains unclear.

Super Bowl Quarterback Pledges to Suck

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers is promising an epic display of incompetence on Sunday.  Rodgers made the statement after meeting a group of young Packers fans at a Milwaukee area elementary school.  “Those kids were really annoying, all that noise was giving me a migraine.” After noticing a 3rd grader wearing a hand-me-down Brett Favre jersey Rodgers was visibly shaken commenting, “You’ve got to be ****** kidding me!” And when a 6th grader was spotted sending a text message the All Pro responded “Who does this little **** have to talk to that is more important than me?” Rodgers then vowed, “If these jerks are Packers fans then I plan on doing everything in my power to be sure they go to bed in tears.”

Happy Birthday Wikipedia

Wikipedia - the San Francisco based online encyclopedia turned 10 years old on Saturday according to its own Wikipedia entry.  Other facts from the user-edited site report that Wikipedia sucks at Call of Duty and it has a tiny pecker.

Jobless Claims Rise to 445,001

The number of first-time claims for unemployment insurance payments jumped in the first week of 2011 from 445,000 to 445,001.  Initially this smaller than predicted rise in unemployment was seen as good news for the economy until further study showed the single job loss was the Federal employee who tracks unemployment statistics.

Apple Customers Now Pretentious On Two Networks

Following the announcement that Verizon will be offering Apple’s iPhone, loyal Apple users are excited that now they can use either network to be douche bags.

Rachael Ray to Author Cookbooks for Cannibals

Celebrity chef and cookbook author Rachael Ray announced today that she is working on a cookbook for cannibals titled ”Yum-O! Cooking Your Family for Your Family!” In a press release the Food Network darling states “With 2012 right around the corner it’s time for us to recognize cannibalism as more than just another fad diet, this cookbook is a great opportunity for people to prepare for the coming apocalypse. After a busy day battling hordes of zombies your family can still enjoy a delicious and nutritious meal in 30 minutes or less.”   Publishing house Clarkson Potter promises the certain bestseller will be on sale by Mother’s Day.

Ernst & Young Offers Millionaire Guarantee

Financial experts from Ernst & Young are boasting a new plan that guarantees making customers into millionaires in 30 days or less.  Senior Director of Marketing for the New York based firm, Larry Schwartz, explains “We’re asking people to invest a mere $2 million and in less than a month we guarantee they’ll be worth $1 million.” 

Whole Foods CEO Admits to being Selfish Jerk

John Mackey, CEO and Founder of Whole Foods, after a widely publicized protest of the Healthcare Reform Bill is now offering solutions to help Americans offset rising medical costs.  Mackey is quoted “I don’t think the problem is with insurance companies or the medical industry, I think people should stop arguing and focus on starting multimillion dollar organic grocery store chains, I don’t worry about doctor bills at all, being rich is awesome!”